


Eighteenth passenger

by aliennaire (Dianaliennaire)



Category: Alien Series, Prometheus (2012)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Biblical References, Character Death, Dark Comedy, Gen, Implied Relationships, Jokes, Parody, References to 2001: A Space Odyssey, Space Jockeys aren't Engineers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:46:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7505227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dianaliennaire/pseuds/aliennaire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an express spoof on Prometheus 2012 with references/nods to a number of other sci fi films.<br/>I tried to draw a bottom line listing everything that, in my opinion, turned wrong with this movie. Sure fire thing it's only my opinion, still, I hope it will put a brief smile on your face :-)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eighteenth passenger

SLURP... GULP... BELCH... ROARRRRRR!.. SPLASH!.. Ding...Ding.. Ding.. Jingle bells, jingle bells...  
***  
SHAW (points with her light onto the painting in the cave): Look, Charlie, aren't these skinny little bastards just like the bunch of your prankish nephews and nieces we've seen past week, huh?  
HOLLOWAY: Look, Ellie, isn't there an advantage in having no relatives, that no self-proclaimed jokester would ever jeer at them, huh?  
Shaw bites her lips in a huff.  
***  
BRAKES SQUEALLING, spaceship's deck jerks and tips, with grating screeching billiard table and other furniture slides along the deck and bumps against the wall, burying DAVID.8 under its mass.  
DAVID.8 (cites in muffed voice): The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts!..  
***  
VICKERS (making her push-ups): How it come nobody died during these 2 years, 4 months, 18 days, 36 hours, 15 minutes?..  
DAVID.8: Pardon me?  
VICKERS: Nor anything failed?..  
DAVID.8: Vodka, ma'am?  
***  
DAVID.8: Hello, Dr. Shaw. My name is David-dot-eight. I'm here to ensure that nobody will survive by the end of this...  
HOLLOWAY (rising up his 5 dollar milk shake): Hey, Ellie! Here we go... Ha!  
SHAW (whispers to herself): It's merely a few minutes, and I already got sick of both of you...  
Shaw retches and vomits.  
***  
MILLBURN (stretches his hand towards Fifield): Hi, I'm sorta biologist...  
FIFIELD: Look, if you want to befriend me, you got to pay for that! Okay?  
MILLBURN (retracts his hand): Oh-Okay...  
***  
VICKERS: Can't put my finger on that blockhead who has hired this crowd of incompetent slackers, sitting in front of me and pretending to be interstellar top-notch scientists, but I will do my best to whip you into shape for...  
RAVEL (interrupts): Miss Vickers?  
Vickers stops and eyes him questioningly.  
RAVEL: I have a bet with Chance, that you could be strip dancing for a hundred credits!  
VICKERS (snorts and refers to Shaw): Okay, then. On with the show.  
***  
SHAW (with a blissful smile): We are all here to meet our Maker!  
Silence.  
MILLBURN: Okay, so ...uh... Are you sure?.. 'Cause... Hmm... I mean, I reckon myself yet too young...  
***  
HOLLOWAY: Didn't you hear Weyland's hologram has put us in charge of this mission?  
VICKERS: Do you want to raise the old codger from the dead and ask him to reconcile this fuss personally?  
HOLLOWAY: What?  
SHAW: How's that?  
VICKERS: Perfect! Hence, we are pursuing my agenda.  
***  
JANEK: All personnel, brace yourself and don't get your arse up, until I put down this ship!  
A few seconds of silence.  
JANEK (excitedly runs up to the windscreen station): Whoa. Now that is weather!  
FORD (shortly follows him): Whoa. Mountains! 25 thousands, that makes them 16 thousands over Everest!  
DAVID.8 (shortly follows Janek and Ford): Whoa. Desert! There is nothing in the desert and no man needs nothing!  
HOLLOWAY(shortly follows Janek, Ford and David.8): Whoa! Moulds! God does not build in straight lines!  
JANEK (looks around): Anybody else want to throw in their wit here or I can finally land this ship?  
***  
HOLLOWAY: I'm pretty sure, they have already figured out we arrived and, since it's Christmas, have prepared presents for all of us!  
The crew, hooting and ululating, fling to the lockers for spacesuits and don cosmic gear. Sounds of “Jingle bells” tune in the air.  
HOLLOWAY: David, why are you going? There will hardly be any present for you, as you are not a human.  
DAVID.8 (smiles insidiously): Just to make sure that you get yours.  
HOLLOWAY: You sure you will need all this stuff?  
Holloway points out at miscellaneous things David is equipping himself with. Among others, there are rope, ladder, fishing line, can of earthworms...  
***  
HOLLOWAY: This is just one small step for mankind.  
SHAW: Seriously?  
Holloway scratches the back of his helmet.  
SHAW: No, I mean, aren't we supposed to have some original lines here, not just rephrase old stuff?  
HOLLOWAY: Shouldn't we question Mr. Lindelof later?  
Mr. Lindelof evilly grins behind the scenes.  
***  
JANEK (watches the screens): Wait a min! Why these cam transmissions aren't even garbled by statics like we've been fed from trailers and seen in early films?..  
FIFIELD (howls like dog and releases red spectographs): My pups!  
MILLBURN (points to the water stream): It's Martian piss!  
HOLLOWAY (takes off his helmet): I can breathe!  
DAVID.8 (grapes, sniffs, tastes everything): I cannot satisfy my curiosity!  
SHAW: Prometheus, are you seeing this?  
JANEK (palms his face): ...  
***  
BIG BLUE HOLOGRAPHIC SCREEN (appears from the thin air, featuring some humanoid in the elephantine mask – breathing apparatus): Good day, gentlemen. This is a pre-recorded briefing made prior to our departure. Now that you are on LV-223, it can be told to you. Eighteen months ago the first evidence of unintelligent life out of our biological experiments was discovered. It was lurking 14 feet behind the huge guillotine-like door inside the Ampule room. Except for a single very powerful bio-transforming capacity, aimed at living beings, the new-found black goo has remained completely inert. Its reason and purpose are still a total mystery...  
FIFIELD (points out at the vanishing hologram): Television!  
SHAW: Does anyone else have the feeling of deja vu here?..  
FIFIELD (continues): ...I don't want to get my brain washed by the pissed Martians television! TV is bad, Internet is good, I'm going back to the ship!  
SHAW (shouts out): Charlie! Except for being my boyfriend, you are also a leader of our exploratory team! Show some action here!  
Holloway hides behind Shaw's back.  
SHAW (to Fifield): I thought a man with a red mohawk and tattoos like yours might have had some guts!  
Fifield turns around and hurries away.  
MILLBURN (follows Fifield): Probably, I have no personality?...  
SHAW (to the rest): Well, as for what we already know, there is some dangerous substance on the other side of this door, and that's why we have to prevent its opening...  
Door cracks and slowly moves sliding up. Everybody in panic bounces to the opposite site of the corridor.  
DAVID.8 (abruptly pulls his hand off alien control panel): Oops!  
***  
DAVID.8 (solemnly): Big head... It's the most beautiful piece of sculptural work I've ever...  
SHAW and FORD (rapturously): Small head!  
HOLLOWAY(rapturously): Green emerald!  
DAVID.8 (sighs): All right... (rapturously) Plenty of ampules!  
JANEK: Hey, ground group, I have no idea, what you've done in there, but we got an incoming storm front, and it wouldn't be bothering me, but I have to close the door prior it gets to the ship...  
VICKERS: In short, I wager 100 credits you will not make it in 15 minutes!  
Shaw and Ford grab the little head, David grabs the ampule, Holloway attempts to tug out the emerald, but it doesn't yield, so Holloway runs away with nothing on his hands.  
***  
JANEK: Where’s Millburn and Fifield?  
SHAW: Who drove the Rover back?  
HOLLOWAY: Why did you risked my life for that head?  
VICKERS: Are all your Makers dead?  
ENGINEER'S BUBBLING HEAD: Are you bonkers?..  
BOOM!  
***  
HOLLOWAY: Now that the girls' head has exploded ,you are left the only one awarded with a trophy from our Makers' site...  
DAVID.8: Hmm...  
HOLLOWAY: I wish I'd better have laid my hands on another ampule...  
DAVID.8 (handles out a glass with drink to Holloway, smiles insidiously): I could share!  
***  
SHAW (observes Holloway come through frozen holographic record of Engineer's message): What's that?  
HOLLOWAY: Well, I just figured if we are ripping off that Firefly spaceship design from “Serenity”, why don't also borrow that trick when black assassin guy walks through brother and sister hologram? Isn't it cool?  
SHAW: Not impressive, actually... We have discovered that our and Makers' DNA is the perfect match! You know what it means?  
HOLLOWAY: Not unexpected, actually... Anyone with a dash of DNA and half a brain can create life today!  
Shaw bites her lips in a huff.  
***  
MILLBURN: Damn puppet master, how could you lose the map?!  
Millburn and Fifield come across the heap of dead, torn out Engineers' bodies.  
MILLBURN and FIFIELD (frightened): Ahhh!  
Radio indistinctly and loudly blares, resuming its operation.  
MILLBURN and FIFIELD (more frightened, than before): Ahhhhhhh!  
JANEK (over radio): Hey boys, this is the captain! We're too lazy to come get you now, so take your time rambling around thas mould, see you in the morning. By the way, there seemingly is a life form one click west of you.  
MILLBURN and FIFIELD ( more frightened, than before): Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
Millburn and Fifield run to the east directly into the Ampule chamber.  
FIFIELD: Well, if that was Martian piss, how'd you then call this black viscous matter?  
Hammerpede raises up in front of Millburn.  
MILLBURN: Whoa! Beauty...  
CRACK! SNAP! SLAP! PLOP!  
***  
Vickers winces at the sound of playing accordion.  
VICKERS: You must have been enjoying killing the cats slowly in your adolescent age!..  
JANEK: You must have been built as David at one of the Weyland's factories!..  
VICKERS (snorts): Okay, then. You've got yourself a deal. 10 minutes. My room.  
***  
JANEK: Well, if no one has no other plan, let's go grab those two and take off home!  
Crew wanders down to rig out themselves, less enthusiastically than the first time, though.  
DAVID.8: Can I come with you?  
JANEK: No way!  
DAVID.8: I will behave! I promise...  
JANEK (hesitates): All right. But you don't touch any of my vehicles.  
Rover heads towards Engineers' mould. David tails them on a bicycle.  
***  
HOLLOWAY: I feel sick...  
JANEK: Still better than Millburn looks!  
Shaws looks into Holloway's eyes, Ford looks into Millburn's gullet.  
SHAW and FORD (together, in one voice): There is something moving!  
ZIP! FLAP! PLUMP!  
***  
VICKERS: Haven't you been told million times don't touch anything, David?  
David turns off the cam feed, opens the door to the Engineers' ship bridge, plays Darth Vader's march on the flute, fiddles with the control panel and activates another pre-recorded video, showing the next:  
Half-humanoid and half-serpent 14 foot tall creature slithers towards the herd of Engineers, the latter kneel, creature gestures them to assume erect posture.  
SOME ENGINEER: We are incredibly glad to hail your Highness and deeply thankful for all the technology you granted us...  
CREATURE: Strait to the point, please!  
SOME ENGINEER: As you know, within the framework of your diploma project, we have created conscious life on...  
CREATURE (meantime counting Engineers): ...Three... Eight... Eleven... Sixteen heads. Damn, didn't I order you to neither gobble up nor use up each other without my permission?!  
SOME ENGINEER: We're okay, we're safe. It's Seven. He wants to show you his last super-duper bio-mixture. He'll be there shortly.  
CREATURE: ...Always the same. You can't manage to muster together even warned a week beforehand!.. Righto, back to my project!  
SOME ENGINEER: So we have created conscious life on a...  
CREATURE: Can we just skip it? Can we just go to what is this mess about?  
SOME ENGINEER: Well, after they have crucified our spokesman, we find it hard to make unified decision on their future. Some of us are inclined to total eradication of their race...  
SOME OTHER ENGINEER (yawns and treads to sarcophagus): Wake me up, if you decide on this, I'd be happy to terminate that morbid excuse for a humankind.  
CREATURE: What?..  
OTHER ENGINEERS: Shush!.. Get him back out there... Twelve! What are you doing?..  
As Terminator Engineer Twelve seals himself up in the cryostasis pod, racket breaks out on the bridge, Engineer running back and forth and in circles, all disarray goes topsy-turvy... Creature palms his face.  
ENGINEER SEVEN (hurriedly appears on the bridge with a vase in his hands): It's ready! I'm done! Want to see?  
Commotion stops, silence ensures. Everyone gazes at the vase. Engineer Seven opens up the lid, John Carpenter's The thing-like tentacles shoot out of the vase throughout the room reaching out all Engineers and Creature on the bridge.  
CREATURE (rends the tentacles away from his chest and slithers out): Mini-frigging morons! If that spewing muck doesn't put you down, I swear, I will!  
Last second of ensnarled Engineers struggling with tentacles, and the picture dissolves.  
***  
Outside the ship.  
SHAW: I'm in charge now! Vickers, open the door!  
JANEK: I give no shit who is in charge of this wasted mission, but I'm the captain of this goddamn ship! Vickers, open the door!  
The ramp lowers down.  
VICKERS (steps out with the flame throwing contrivance): Barbecue time, huh? Where is that know-it-all bastard?!  
HOLLOWAY (wobbles and stumbles nearing Vickers): You are right, Ellie. Lines and action in this movie could have been a way better...  
VICKERS (spontaneously sets Holloway on fire and drops the gun): Oh, sorry... I meant David, actually.  
***  
DAVID.8: My warmest congratulations to you and Dr. Holloway, posthumously though. You're pregnant.  
SHAW: What?!  
DAVID.8: But it’s not actually a traditional foetus, look, it has four tendrils, massive tail, elongated stout body...  
Shaw passes out.  
DAVID.8: That's what you get having intimate contacts drunk.  
***  
SHAW: I need Caesarean, liposuction, breast enlargement, and lips enhancement!  
MEDPOD: Error. One procedure at a time. Make up your mind.  
SHAW: Can I just get doped?  
***  
JANEK: Hey hangar! This is the captain. I've spotted Fifield's monitor working and it's right outside the goddamn ship.  
The ramp slumps squarely down on the crab-like critter, sitting outside the ship, and squashes it.  
SOME MERCENARY (examines the area before the ramp): There is no one in here...  
JANEK: Signal's gone too... Must be a glitch.  
***  
SHAW (stumbles upon the door sill of Weyland's room): Do you think it's funny to play hide-and-seek in a season of our extremely earnest and lethal adventure?  
WEYLAND: The ship is big, why not? Incidentally, if you had such an obnoxious little brat as your offspring...  
David coughs.  
WEYLAND (continues): ...you'd know, that having been smuggled was the only way to get aboard.  
Vickers dashed into the room. Everyone fleets out.  
VICKER: So, how does it feel to disavow your own daughter for the presence of a walking dummy?  
WEYLAND: For crying out loud, how could I procreate you in my hundred and one in the first place?  
***  
SHAW: I'm not going into that gloomy, dripping, smelling alien tomb third time in a row!  
WEYLAND: Have you lost you faith in getting answers for your faith to get your answers?  
Shaw breaks into weeping and races for suiting up.  
***  
JANEK: Can you stop going into that gloomy, dripping, smelling alien tomb and let me take this freak show home?  
SHAW: Have you lost you faith in getting answers for your faith to get your answers?  
JANEK: What?!..  
***  
DAVID.8 (smiles insidiously): How are you doing?  
SHAW: Have just teamed up with Vicker's camp, look forward to biting your head off!  
***  
RAVEL: Would you like to quit playing that dying-cat thing and take a look at the table?  
JANEK: What else?  
Vickers passes the accordion back to Janek. Everybody wanders to the table.  
RAVEL (points out at a croissant next to cups and glasses on the table): It's a ship!  
JANEK: How long do you know this?  
RAVEL: Nobody talks much to anybody here, right?  
***  
SHAW (watches Terminator Engineer Twelve rises up from his cryo pod): I have a bad feeling about it. I'm so sorry! Can we run away until he gained his consciousness?..  
Some mercenary hits Show, she screams. At last, at this noise, Engineer looks around and notices people.  
DAVID.8 (steps forward, points at Weyland): This man has created loads of sundry stuff, including me, and has won all the Earth's awards and prizes imaginable. Now, he's searching outside. Immortality, as a gift of recognition from your race, would suffice him.  
CRACKLE! SNAP! POP! BOOM! BANG! WHIZ! FLOP!  
***  
VICKER (chewing on a croissant): Okay, lastly we are going home.  
Large croissant-like alien ship ascends from under the ground before Prometheus' windscreen.  
Vickers drops her roll. Everybody jumps away off the screen.  
SHAW (via radio): It’s heading for Earth!  
JANEK: Hundred credits, I reach it first!  
VICKER: Two hundred!  
Janek cedes his captain's control panel to Vickers.  
VICKER (presses some buttons haphazardly): So what do I do?..  
The ship irresistibly accelerates, flying straight towards alien croissant-like vessel.  
RAVEL (stiffened): Has anybody told you you're a shitty pilot, captain, and you let that b*tch to the dashboard, why...  
WHAM! KABOOM! BOOM!  
***  
SHAW (weeping): They were going to leave me on this desolate planet with nothing and no one even to talk...  
DAVID.8: Well, if you'd be so kind to consider me...  
SHAW (jumps on her two, affected by shock): Ahhhhhhh!  
DAVID.8 (continues):... as your partner, since the crew is gone...  
SHAW: Extraordinary survival luck, David, huh?  
DAVID.8 (continues):... I believe, now I would do my best helping you find the answers...  
SHAW: F*ck the answers!  
DAVID.8: Hmm?..  
SHAW: Look, this film is like an Alien reflection in modern re-iteration with a huge artistic license – went to the alien structure, got infected, gave birth to monster, all died. So the sequel must be more intense, flooded with gunfire, exposing more monsters!  
DAVID.8: Hmm...  
SHAW: I am going for revenge!  
Darth Vader's march plays.


End file.
